I saw something this week which prompted me to write this entry, a big dude (any cat whose dimensions are six feet or better and two hundred plus lbs.) get his own ass handed to him to eat, prepared and served up by the B.O.A (Bouncers of America).  It jumped off so quick that I could not ascertain why the altercation occurred but one thing was for certain, the bouncers were making it known that if anything were to jump off they were going to be the ones doing the pushing, with impunity!  

First a confession, I've been suspect height and weight since 10th grade 1986 so I know how it goes, the politics of being a big dude.  If anyone has ever not known your name and referred to you as "big man" then I'm talking to you, there are some things that you need to know before you go out partying in these night clubs that could save your life.  In twenty plus years of partying and now dj'ing I've seen plenty of critical beat downs handed down by the strong arm of the night club law enforcement.  Biggie had his 10 Crack Commandments, I'm going to hand down 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, 9 Its Da Big Man Commandments that you can follow so that you won't get stomped into ketchup on your next club outing w/ ya boys or ya girl.  

1. Rule Numero Uno, THERE'S NOWHERE TO RUN TO BABY, NOWHERE TO HIDE

The moment the first bouncer laid eyes on you, you were a marked man.  Let's face it, when you suspect height and weight the one thing you can't be is inconspicuous, even if you wear all black.  Nice try, doesn't work.  Those little ear thingies in the bouncer's ears are not for listening to their ipods, it is strictly a means to achieving the maximum advantage BEFORE da jump off, think of it as a wireless megaphone that only screams one message when "something" transpires in the club LET'S GET HIM!    Bouncers don't get paid that much to keep the peace, so whoopin a little arse is like a bonus, where else can u whoop somebody's ass good fashion and not go to jail, hell I've seen the po po take a bamma to jail and his only crime was getting his ass molly whopped, now that's crime!  The bouncers make a mental note of EVERY big dude that comes in the club b/c u r the one that may make them earn their money tonight if u try to get live all up in the club.  Of course, they are not trying to work that hard so if u do get outta hand they are going to greet you en masse to crash test dummy you.  They will keep a keen eye on you ALL NIGHT LONG like the Mary Jane Girls, remember Bugz Bunny, "U ever have the feeling that u were being watched?"  Well u should be feeling like Tupac, ALL EYEZ ON ME b/c they are chatting u up as u pay your money talking bout "Yep, that's him right there, in the loud yellow shirt (BIG MAN, NEVER WEAR LOUD COLORS TO THE CLUB, U'LL B TOO EASY TO FIND!), if he even act like he want it, we gonna give him the buffet!"

2. AVOID ALL CONFRONTATIONS

You don't want to get caught up in a bouncer intervention by mistaken association.  If you see a situation forming in your vicinity, go to the opposite section of the club because going back to rule number one, they are WAITING on u to act up so they can chasten u w/ the rod of correction w/ a beat down of biblical proportion.  It doesn't cost you anything to observe them serving some one an ass whuppin delight, but can cost you dearly if you are caught up in the confusion of somebody else's club issues.  So again what have we learned today children?  If a fight bout to jump off in the east of the club, go to the west, if it is in the north side, go to the south.  Cause if you find yourself in the vicinity of a scuffle, trust me, you'll be lumped in by BIG MAN association, cause as big as u r the bouncers see u as an opportunity to exercise all the new choke holds and take downs they have learned this week on a live specimen.  Remember these are professionals trained in the art of submission, choke holds, collar and arm bars, choke slams, and the classic art of Da BUM'S RUSH!  YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!  

3. BOUNCERS DO NOT FORGIVE OR FORGET
The bouncer world is a small one, Big Man, haven't u ever wondered why u see the same bouncers week end and week out at most of the clubs you attend?  If u EVER have a problem at a club you should probably not ever go there for at least a year or two because the bouncers WILL NOT forget u, please believe that.  They might let u come in, prolly not, normally DOOR MAN! will shut u down like dude from Knocked Up before u can even pull your money or your id out.  I have a cousin right now that damn near can't go in any club in Raleigh b/c all the bouncers know him as a rah rah poppa and they simply ain't having it, so when u know a dude a problem why invite that in the club?  Unless u just want to tune him up again, and sometimes DOOR MAN! will do just that, he know u gone act up and he let u in and alert the troops that u r officially Clublic Enemy #1

4. RESISTING A CITIZEN'S ARREST
If the bouncers ask you to leave the club I have one piece of advice, LEAVE THE CLUB!  They are kinda like your daddy, they gonna ask u nice maybe once, if they have to tell u again they gonna put they hands on u.  If they put they hands on u and u show ANY resistance they will not cease or desist in using extreme brute force to uproot out of the establishment.  Once they put their hands on u they will not stop until u are out the door.  Wonder why?  Here's a little known fact that most Rah Rahs are not privy to.  The owner has told the bouncers to place all problem children on the street b/c once they are out of his establishment they become the problem of the city police who are normally out there waiting for you.   So once they citizen's arrest you and remove you from the establishment AT ALL COST!, you will get your screws tightened and immediately be escorted to jail w/ a laundry list of charges like disorderly conduct, public intoxication, disturbing the peace, AND dumbassedness!  Take the path of least resistance, if you find yourself in a conversation w/ a bouncer remember back to being in school talking to the vice principal, did he ever have a good conversation for u?  Ah, that one's rhetorical.  When he come over to talk to u about u acting up, just go ahead and gather your troops and leave.  Its like fighting the cops, u can't beat the radio homie, u are highly outnumbered.

5. MY BOYS GOT MY BACK
Your boys might have your back but it is your front and your flanks that the bouncers will be stealing off on.  U ever notice how the bouncers ALWAYS attack in concert.  You act a fool and you gonna get Kool & Da Ganged up on, without question.  So u got your boys w/ u in the club, this can be good and bad, we'll just cover the bad ones.  1. God forbid u the biggest in the bunch, if a tussle ensues w/ your people whom do u think will get the undivided attention of THE MEN IN BLACK?  Again, rhetorical.  2. As I've told u, u've already been identified as a potential speed knot recipient so when your people break fool, they gonna key in on u like a hungry lion chasing a limping baby gazelle, they r not going to let u get away.  So now what was a fair one has turned to all the kings horses and all the kings men trying to beat u down again and again.  Yeah in the car your boys will be talking cash about how they handled the bouncers but you will be quiet as a church mouse b/c your mouth is sittin on swole along w/ the rest of your body parts b/c you were turned into a deep mud puddle that was stomped dry.

6. OUTSTANDING, BOY U GOT KNOCKED OUT (as sung to the tune of The Gap Band's Outstanding)
Before you start a jump off in the club w/ the hired hands, u know the cats in black that have white or neon words that read ENFORCEMENT or SECURITY do u really want these people responsible for your welfare after they knock u out.  You will be laid out in the club ALONE b/c they have forced ANYONE who cares enough about u to attempt to get u out the club to leave.  So now the people who just showed u what your liver tastes like are now asked by the manager to get u up outta there.  You will be tossed like trash, w/ no regard to your safety, remember u can't catch yourself when u hit the hard concrete   b/c u are unconscious!

7. KEEP A KNOCKIN' BUT U CAIN'T COME IN!
Once u get put out the club, DO NOT AT ANY TIME try to gain re-entry into the club.  Now u are just begging for it, AGAIN!.  JUST LEAVE!  But noooooooooo you are going to sit right outside in earshot of the bouncers talkin stuff adding more gas to the fire they already lit under your arse.  
If u dumb enough, drunk enough or both to try to run back into a hornet's nest, then u'll get what u deserve.  Again, the smart money is on u JUST LEAVING!

8. DOORMAN!
OK, most of us dudes have had the unpleasant experience of getting sonned by Doorman.  U know him, that underachiever who is too soft to be a bouncer so he's a bouncer's assistant.  He is the guardian of the club responsible for who gets in and who doesn't.  He uses his position to get on girls b/c him being Doorman, he has no rap game at all.  He doesn't really get play but a chick will let him cop a feel or promise him a date b/c he lets her in for free, of course the date never quite goes down.  So Doorman sees you week in and week out come into his realm w/ broads on your arm or sees you leaving w/ a new chick every week and now he officially becomes one of your haters.  All of a sudden you come to the club and he finds the most minute thing to bar your entry.  Could be your shoes, your shirt, your pants too baggy, even though you seen cats walk in before you w/ shorts on.  So eventually he catches you right and you black out on him, and give him the speech he's heard hundreds of times best illustrated on the movie Knocked Up, the Doorman speech.  You deliver a profanity laced soliloquy, it doesn't hurt Doorman b/c he hears this night in and night out.  Doorman we don't like you and you suck, signed ANY COOL DUDE THAT EVER CAME UPON YOUR WACK BEHIND AT THE CLUB!

You may be pondering how has The Mad Afrikan, a non-violent man by nature has been able to amass all this knowledge on this subject, one, I observe, I talk alot, a whole lot some may say, but I pay attention!  2. I partied ALOT back in the day 3. My cousin Marcus was a bouncer for a few years and he gave me an insider's 411 on the whole bouncing racket, Thanks Bear!  What sparked me to write this was a bumrush and beat down administered by some bouncers this week at an event I went to in Durham.  A Big Dude was asked to show his ID again, he chose not to comply, w/in 20 seconds he was caught up in what we call a yoke, a sleeper hold, the cobra clutch, the million dollar dream, getting punched in and about the face, and he was simply trying to state his case as to why he would not reproduce his ID!

ALL of the problems that ensued that night could have been avoided had the patron followed all the aforementioned rules b/c he broke them all.  Instead the young brother chose to ignore the old adage a good run is better than a bad stand and the bouncers ran their favorite play, "RELEASE DA HOUNDZ!!!!!!!!!!!"  Now these rules by no means only apply to those over six feet in height and two hundred lbs. in weight, however, smaller cats just don't seem to be given the full monte that us Big Dudes collect nightly at the club.  It is never funny when bouncers strong arm steady a dude b/c but for the grace of GOD there go I, or u, your cousin, you daddy (if he's the old man in the club, for shame!)  Just remember the next time one of your peoples start cuttin' up you may or may not be chillin' on the beat down hour, b/c I've yet to meet a bouncer who didn't mind putting a black eye in the game.

FINI

The Mad Afrikan